it's okay
I'm not the fun one. I never have been. Dave likes to tease that my idea of fun is scrubbing all the floors and then going for an eight mile walk. Haha. What makes that joke funny is it's true. I didn't learn to be fun, and it didn't come to me naturally. There was a tiny part of me that hoped I might miraculously be a "fun mom" when Nettie came, but it hasn't materialized that way. I'm a perfectly competent and even a doting mom, but NOT fun. Dave is a fun dad. My mom is a fun grandma. But I, I am the one who stays in and vacuums and folds laundry and cooks dinner while Dave and Nettie go sledding.
I can live without fun, clearly. But here's what gets me down. I can't seem to stop DOING. Doing everything and doing it well keeps me running and dissatisfied most of the time, and it interferes with the time - and the quality of time - I have with Nettie. I always feel like I should have been able to get more done in the day, and what I do get done, I find myself apologizing for. What started me thinking about this is was our old friend possum, in a roundabout way. Or maybe it was the sewing class or the foggy drive. But when I came in that night and Dave went out to search for our pesky friend, I did something really strange, at least for me. I laid down on the kitchen floor, right in the middle of all my bags of groceries and sewing basket and purse, just laid down on my back and stared up at the ceiling.
After a moment or two, it struck me what a poor texturing job the drywallers had done. And as I reflected on that, I realized that it had taken me almost four years to notice this. I have painted the ceiling, of course, and swiped cobwebs out of the corners, cleaned the light fixtures, but never really stopped to study it. Ughh, and now I have to reveal that this becomes a story of crying over a texturized ceiling.
To be fair, the ugly ceiling was NOT the culprit for my tears. Neither was the sewing class or the foggy drive or the possum. It wasn't even the fact that for the first time, I'd missed Nettie's bedtime. Okay, it was partly that. But mostly, I cried because the ceiling made me see just how closely I'm tethered. I give myself very little space. There are so few things in my life that I consider optional. Everything that fills my day is mandatory. Mandatory for a certain standard of cleanliness, or health, for routine and schedule, for learning, for edification, for productivity. I even make creativity a mandate some days. Create something, you unoriginal boob! I know this is a weakness of mine, this desire to accomplish and achieve, to measure my worth in how much I can do and how well I do it. But I never seem to shake free of it. And it limits me in so many ways.
See, it's not that I wish I had spent more of the last four years staring at my ugly ceilings. It's a metaphor again, if I can parse it out.
The ceiling is clear blue cloudless skies on summer afternoons that I've spent working when I didn't really have to. The ceiling is every sunset I've missed rampaging around the house, using that magical "golden hour" of light to track down and vacuum up all the dust and cat hair. The ceiling is all the naptimes I've forced myself to clean the bathrooms and the litter box and start supper, when what I really want to do is read poetry. The ceiling is bowing my head to an endless to-do list and never looking up.
I've heard that a good way to break a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. Our brains like habit, apparently. So I need to practice forgiveness. Skipping a chore and "being okay" with that, maybe even enjoying the freedom that affords. Like this morning, instead of eating breakfast at 8:30 the way Nettie and I usually do, I didn't get to it. So we had banana "nice cream" at 9:30 together. Nobody suffered; we enjoyed our treat, and I'm not a bad mom for doing what was easier today. And yesterday instead of cooking and cleaning all morning and putting Net off with promises, we just made Valentines. They weren't anything fancy. I didn't do any of the cool ideas off Pinterest. We just enjoyed painting and coloring and playing with tape together. Forgive me if this seems idiotically simplistic, but these are things I had to let happen in an intentional way. Being "okay with things" is not my default setting. Even when things go mostly according to plan, I struggle to feel okay about them. I always see what could have been better. And don't anybody use the P-word because yes; I know perfectly - dammit - well that's an issue and we're not even going into that today, okay? Today we're talking about "okay-ness" and "fun-ness" and not doing all the things. Ness.
Valentine's Day has plenty of haters, but we could all use a little love right now. I'm trying to give myself a bit more, and you should, too. Whatever it is you're struggling with, it's okay. You're okay. I'm okay. We're all going to be okay. Eat some ice cream, show someone you love them, spend time doing something that makes you happy.
rabbit in real life :: life in photos
There's this funny thing about photos. I've been taking a lot of them for a few years now, and since I finally have a smartphone, I'm taking even more. It seems like the more you take, the more you want to take. They suck you in, and often, away from whatever's happening around you, even if it's the subject of your photography. You can't completely engage with people while you're taking pictures. But the thing that drives you is the lure of some elusive image, a moment of pure magic or beauty, contrast or surprise. Sometimes the moment truly was magical and the photo is telling the truth. Other times, the camera creates something that was never there in reality, that exists only in the image. It's strange.
Nettie is a little obsessed with photos right now. Her favorite pictures are of herself of course, but she'll settle for looking at any picture if it's on a phone. Every time she hears the little shutter click, she comes running, begging to see. When I photograph her, she can barely stay in frame long enough to get the shot she's so anxious to get to the camera and see the picture. But I understand her eagerness. No matter how many thousands I take, there's always a little anticipation when I go through the images, wondering if there are any really good ones.
Recently I joined the Instagram community, and so far, it's kind of nice. I have a learning curve to get comfortable and figure out exactly how it works, but I've been unhappy with the Facebook platform for a long time, to the point of not using it for the last year, so I'm hoping Instagram will give me a way to share what's happening and connect with people in a more consistent, enjoyable way.
For now, I'll continue to share weekly on Facebook, but I'm looking to use Instagram to share new blog posts and website content, as well as things that don't make it onto the blog. Expect a lot of skyscapes and nature photos too, some felting and other creative projects, and probably a decent amount of what I'm eating. I've found, as a vegan, that it's helpful to get ideas from other people, otherwise I can land in a rut and just eat the same thing for weeks. So sharing plant-based meals will have a place, too. If you're an instagrammer and that sounds up your alley, I'd be happy to have you follow this "rabbitinreallife." If you're not into Instagram, you can still view some of the photos from my account on the "Rabbit Life" page of this website.
The rest of this post is about vegan health food, so if that's not what you're into, read no further. Thanks for stopping by; I'll have more of the usual kinds of posts in the future.
If you're still reading, cool! Welcome to my kitchen! I'm not trying to proselytize veganism, just thought I'd share a few things I've been eating lately that make my body and mind feel better. And I credit them with keeping my immunity up. Because I'll admit: I've been stressed and working a lot the past few weeks, not getting great sleep, and fretting quite a bit, and some days it's tempting to skip all the prep and eat something easy, but not-so-nutritionally-terrific. I know that most of you are not committed herbivores, but there's no rule that you have to eat animal products at every meal! So maybe you'll want to try one of these. I'm not sharing recipes, remember; just general ideas for inspiration.
The first is what I call "I'm not eff-ing around today golden beet smoothie." Because if you drink this smoothie, you will not eff around. You will DO things! Think of it as a righteous hippy version of Mountain Dew, full of anti-inflammatory, immunity-boosting ingredients. I use one medium golden beetroot, RAW and sliced thin; one or two stalks of sliced celery; flesh of two oranges; one chopped persimmon or apple; chia seeds; a tablespoon of fresh ginger root; 1/2 teaspoon of ground turmeric; coarsely ground black pepper; water and/or nut/flax/hemp mylk. You will need a high speed blender or Ninja or Bullet to process the beetroot well. The black pepper helps release the curcumin in the turmeric so you get all the benefits, and I don't notice it. An added benefit of the raw beetroot: it will keep things moving, if you know what I mean. I told you this smoothie meant business.
Next is an easier one, if the beets are scaring you off. It's a "sunshine smoothie bowl." Meaning it's golden colored and you can stomach it first thing in the morning. It's great for workout recovery, since it's got lots of good carbs. And it's also a great snack. Nettie is a fan.
This is just banana and mango (frozen or not, your preference), plant-based mylk, a quarter teaspoon of turmeric, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and some chia seeds. If I'm making it for me, I add a little fresh ginger. Blend it all up. Top with whatever yummy things you have around.
Last is my go-to favorite green salad. It covers all the bases and besides being packed with vitamins and nutrients, it leaves me full for hours. I'm not kidding. I KNOW it's a salad, and I'm telling you from a lot of years of eating crummy excuses for salads with chicken and eggs and cheese in them, this one is the real deal. It really will feel like a meal.
Start with loads of fresh romaine or butter lettuce, add in some kale or cabbage if you have it. I usually go heavy on herbs, as you can see - parsley, cilantro, dill, basil - whatever you can get your hands on; celery; purple onion or scallions. Chop everything up and place in a serving bowl, because you're going to massage on the dressing. I like to massage most of my salads for a couple reasons: one is that it shrinks down and you can eat more volume of greens that way; the other is that it makes things like kale and cabbage easier to digest. Once everything's in the bowl, I add 1/4 to 1/2 of an avocado, the juice of 1/2 a lime or lemon, a nice squirt of good German mustard, a quarter teaspoon of ground kelp powder (for iodine and a little fishy flavor), a teaspoon or two of nutritional yeast (for B vitamins and tangy flavor), a sprinkle of salt, black pepper, and any other seasonings I feel like that day. Then I massage the heck out of it and let it sit at least 5 minutes. Any kind of white bean goes well with this salad, and will make it more substantial. Steamed broccoli and cauliflower are nice additions, too. Or tofu, if you like it. And of course you can use your favorite dressing in place of my health concoction.
Wishing you a week of inspiration and beauty wherever you can find it.
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