I think at one time I was fairly familiar with most of the new testament, including first Corinthians, which is where the phrase “through a glass darkly” originates - or at least in 1560, this translation of what Paul wrote emerged - and since then, has been used probably multitudes of times by different writers and artists. The full verse reads
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
– 1 Corinthians 13:12 (King James Bible)
Of course Biblical translations are a rabbit hole to fall into -- and that’s far from my intent - in fact I didn’t realize the phrase was biblical at all until this morning when I sat down with this series of photos I took a few nights ago and the phrase flitted into my mind - but wrongly - I remembered it as through a window darkly, which is not nearly so poetic and according to the original Greek of the passage, not really the type of glass Paul meant. The Greek word esoptron, which is translated to “glass,” actually refers to a kind of ancient mirror - and the word ainigma, which is typically translated to “darkly,” translates more correctly to enigma, as you might have guessed.
So the phrase is more truly translated as “for now we see in the mirror an enigma” which frankly, isn’t quite so beautiful, but it’s still thought-provoking and though not as fitting for my photos, isn’t so far from what I wanted to share today. And it occurs to me that during a particular period of time just before darkness swallows the horizon, the glass of windows becomes mirror-like if there is an indoor light source nearby, so that as we look out, our view is somewhat obscured by our own reflection. That seems like it should be symbolic but I think rather than try to parse it out, I’ll just let you ponder it or perhaps even just picture it in your mind for a moment as I’m doing.
I stand at these kitchen windows almost all the day except for when I’m out doing chores, and I stand here a good amount in the evenings though it’s not so pleasant to stand at the windows looking out onto darkness, or worse, seeing your own slightly hazy, glowing reflection in the artificial light. As I work at things or wash up dishes or prepare meals, I look out to check on the animals, or whatever animals I can see from my position. Of course I’d prefer that they were somehow all directly under my nose right in the middle of the front yard but needs must and I have my monocular and with it, I can pretty satisfactorily check on any outside activity, though I’ll confess I often run out to peek into buildings if I’m particularly worried.
I suppose it’s this worry and constant desire to supervise that is part of what I’ve been musing on these past few weeks, as we’ve passed from one calendar year into another - part of me knows that feeling the need to make significant changes because the year number has changed makes no real sense, but most of us are conditioned to try to make new habits or reevaluate our lives and situation in January and I feel the pull - it appeals to my desire to improve and refine in practical ways, which I suppose I can blame on my sun sign in Virgo.
The problem as I see it, and I think I see it hazily at best, because I am so invested in and overwhelmed by it, is that Sweet Haven is supremely impractical - it is the following of my heart’s calling, to the detriment of my mental and physical well-being - I have taken an idea that began as a children’s story, and incorporated that into my REAL LIFE. And to say it doesn’t quite fit is an understatement. It is uncomfortable, it is awkward, it is painful much of the time, and I’m beginning to see that Sweet Haven, in order to be sustainable, will need to change and evolve in some significant ways - in order to continue to exist and in order that I can continue to be part of it and not lose my sanity or health or both.
I don’t know how much you all think about your calling in life - but I used the term just a minute ago and I’ve been thinking about mine a lot because I’m afraid that my calling has always been to care for animals - since I was a tiny toddling child, my heart was with animals and I’ve written before about how I was never of the material to become a veterinarian or someone who helps animals in practical, life-saving ways like that. I don’t have the nerves for it. So when I began to needle-felt twelve years ago or something like that, and could bring little animals into the world and share my love for animals that way, I felt maybe I was finally finding a way to follow that calling.
Move forward in time several years and we decided to rescue two goats - we had the space and building for it - I’d always wanted to have a sheep or two - and of course once I saw old Lilly goat I had to bring her home here. About that time I had the idea for my story of Daisy the flying pig, who rescues animals and brings them to live at an old abandoned farmstead they name Sweet Haven. And then enter you all, who encouraged me to follow this progression where it was leading - and where it’s led is that Sweet Haven is now very much everything and more than what I ever imagined in my original story - as things tend to be in real life - much more complicated and intense and much more difficult for me to operate on a daily basis, while maintaining any of my other activities and passions, than I ever could have foreseen.
Because of course what I didn’t foresee, was how quickly it might grow, how much support it would require - and how much support IT WOULD RECEIVE - because if you all hadn’t responded to my appeals for support, Sweet Haven would still be what it was three years ago - two old goats and a few cats and that would have been that and fine and lovely too - - but you all threw your support behind Sweet Haven and me, and now, almost without my understanding how it happened, we have more than 80 animals in our care and to be perfectly honest, that is astounding to me and also completely exhausting and emotionally overwhelming.
During the period between August and December last year, I completely lost my balance - waking up at 4 am most mornings and continuing to work until Nettie and I went to bed around 10:00. Every day, no days off, ever. Bedtime became the only time of day I felt I really gave Nettie any undivided attention and in October, when it became clear to me that I was going to have to ride out the rest of the year at the pace I’d somehow set for myself, because I was committed to the animals and to all of you - I also resolved that I would NOT let this new year run away with me - that I would find a way to have some sort of balance for everything and everyone in my life - Nettie ought to come first of course, and I am doing better so far this year but I’m certainly not in the place I want to be, and that’s why I’ve decided to attempt to hire someone to help me.
This is a huge step for me, or feels like one - I don’t give up my commissions unless under EXTREME duress, so you can be sure that I’m pretty desperate to consider taking on help in this way. It goes against all my super-controlling, micro-managing instincts - but I recognize that I’m outnumbered - there are too many things demanding my time and so my challenge this year will be not only raising enough funds to provide for a wage to pay this helper, but also, releasing that control and trusting someone else to care for my Sweet Haven family, at least several times a week.
This photo was taken as an afterthought at the same time as those above, as I wanted a record of what my kitchen looks like most of the time when I’m working - which seems to be all the time now - the counters were dutifully and painfully cleared for Christmas Eve, which is always celebrated with Dave’s family here, but they have not-so-gradually filled in again with my stacks of paper and lists and fabrics and cotton and paints and pens and correspondence received and to be sent and bills and bits of dead plants and detritus. In part, this scene is a constant chafe to me, like a little piece of hay in your sock - but I also see the sort of remarkable, prosaic beauty of it - how privileged am I to have this space and to have all this work, to be able to make any amount of art at all, to have friends from all over the world who send me cards and gifts and support what I’m doing here - to have a kitchen so large that I can let my work spill out all over the counters and still manage to fix meals, however simple and hurried they are - really my burden at this point in my life, is a surplus of GOOD THINGS happening (not that the animals don’t bring stress and heart-ache - but that is beside the point for now) — of having more things I want to commit to, than what I comfortably or realistically can ….. so my first step in this new year is admitting that I can’t do it all - that I need help - and that I’m actively pursuing that help.
I’ve had other revelations at my windows in the last few days - and I think I’m beginning to see what needs to be done to make Sweet Haven really “work” in a practical way, that doesn’t rely solely on my dogged labor and constant presence - and it will require a lot of nerve and commitment and not a little risk to pursue these improvements and changes…there’s no ‘undo” button in life (one of the things that is so appealing about digital art apps, and also such a crutch), so when we find ourselves in untenable situations we have to dig our way out or maybe get creative - my dear friend Jone encouraged me to try to figure out the “puzzle” of things rather than to keep throwing my weight against a problem and so I’ll be puzzling at my windows and really this post, as LOOOONG as it is, will have to be continued……
I hope you know how much you all mean to me, how grateful I am for your support and enthusiasm, how much I value your friendship and all the things you do for me.
xx
Rosanna
